My name is Lauren, I am currently 30 years old. My husband Luke and I have 3 beautiful children (2 boys and 1 girl) here on Earth and one beautiful little boy, Jacob, in Heaven. When we had our daughter, we felt like our family was complete. We were so blessed to have 3 healthy children and were content with the size of our family. Over the next several months following the birth of our daughter, I kept feeling like God was telling me that we were meant to have more children. I cannot explain it other than to say that I felt this urge that we were not done. I spoke to my husband and asked him to pray about it. As the weeks went on, he agreed that we could start trying. When I got pregnant very quickly we were both elated. Immediately following our first ultrasound we announced to our friends and family that we were expecting our 4th child. I was told we had a sub chorionic bleed which they were not concerned about because they usually end up going away on their own. Apart from that and hyperemesis gravidarum which I have had with all of my pregnancies, everything was going wonderfully.
I had an appointment at 13 weeks at which they couldn't find the heartbeat on the doppler so they did a quick ultrasound which showed the bleed was still present but baby was moving and a great heartbeat. The following week I began to have brown spotting. I didn't think much of it as I spotted occasionally with all of my previous pregnancies as well. Further into the week the brown changed to pink but was still so light. Just to be safe I called my doctors office, they believed it could be from the bleed but I had an appointment the following week so they would check on baby then. Fast forward to Friday, I was on my way to meet a friend at her work and began having some cramping which I attributed to gas. I used the restroom hoping to relieve some of those cramps and it was there at her work in a bathroom stall that I delivered my beautiful 15 week baby into my hands. Looking back, there are so many things I am thankful for, so many things that God orchestrated perfectly to remind me that He was with me and to bring me comfort. First of all, I was able to hold my baby. I know that so many women do not have this privileged. Even in the minutes immediately following, I was able to declare that God is still good, He gave me the strength to recognize His goodness even in the midst of raw grief and trauma. Second, my best friend was with me immediately and was able to call my husband to tell him to meet me at the hospital and thankfully he was home (he was scheduled to be out of town only a few weeks later). When the EMTs arrived, I was told they were supposed to take me to the nearest hospital. I had never been to this hospital, it wasn't even one that my OB goes to. Needless to say, this only added to the anxiety however, when the ambulance arrived, the EMTs told them I would like to go to my own hospital (which my mother works at and I have delivered all of my children there). They responded that they were working that side of town and would take me where I wanted to go. On the ride one of the EMTs came back to check on my and disclosed that he and his wife had lost a child to miscarriage as well. He told me if I needed anything or wanted to talk he was there for me, I will never forget his kindness. I called my mom who was working however, I knew she was supposed to be at another hospital that day so I wasn't sure if she would be able to come. When I did get in contact with her, she was actually at that hospital and was able to come down to the ER immediately. When our pastor arrived at the hospital to be with us for a while, I was able to tell Him that I knew God had a reason for this I just wasn't sure what it was yet. He also shared with us a scripture from Psalms 23 which we found some comfort in. Later that evening, I was able to leave the hospital and with my husband to grieve in our own home (my mother took our other children for the weekend so we could grieve together before telling them). I also did not need any surgery as I was able to pass everything while I was at the hospital. When we arrived home, I noticed at the top of the stairs was the box we had recently received from Amazon as a gift for starting our registry. Within in it was a muslin blanket with Zebras on it. This blanket has provided me with so much comfort. While I did not have a baby to hold, I was able to cling to this and did so for months following our loss. On Saturday night, I knew we needed to publicly announce our loss as so many of our church family knew we were expecting and I did not think I could go through people asking about how I was feeling. The outpouring of love we received was amazing. Fast forward to Church Sunday morning, prior to the last song at the beginning of service, our worship leader spoke about leaning on God and His strength when we are going through difficulties or grief. One thing that I love most about our church is the love they show for people. Our church always has a song in which they invite people to the alter to pray, and you are never alone when you go up there. As Luke and I approached the alter, it felt like the entire church was beside us praying. I had no words to speak and yet they were there covering us in prayer. Several of our church family disclosed their losses and let me know that they knew the grief I was feeling and offered to help in any way they could, throughout the following weeks we had dinners delivered and friends come over to just talk when we needed to. I knew immediately after our loss that I had the choice to run away from God or to run to Him and cling to Him with all of my being. But I did struggle with some of my feelings; I worried so much that I would disappoint or upset God with my grief. I didn't want to ask God why because I felt that I didn't really have a right to know, who am I to question the God of the universe? I knew that I did not want to be angry with God but I was devastated that we had lost our son. I knew that God had given Jacob to us but He was also God's to take away and I had no choice but to accept God's plan knowing that while I did not understand it, there was a perfect reason for it which I may never know this side of Heaven. While I was struggling and wrestling with all of these feelings, I stumbled across an article an article on www.reviveourhearts.com entitled Why “Count It All Joy” Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Grieve. This is another one of those moments that I knew God was listening to my heart and that He speaking to me. He was reminding me that it was okay to grief the loss of our son, the moments we would never get with him here on Earth, all of the memories we was dreaming of making with him. Lysa Terkurst say in her book “It's Not Supposed to be This Way” “To deny my feelings any voice is to rob me of being human. But to let my feelings be the only voice will rob my soul of healing perspectives with which God wants to comfort me and carry me forward”. I have never felt so close to God than I did during the months following losing Jacob. While I continued to grieve deeply, I also learned to worship God through the grief. I knew that God was still good and I knew that leaning on Him was the only way I would survive this. Another Lysa Terkerst quote that really helped me is “God will be my possible in the midst of what can sometimes feel so impossible. He can handle all the things I know I can't, and I trust Him to take my broken and make it beautiful”. Music has always been a very important part of my life and this was the way I spent most of my nights, listening and singing along to worship music that spoke of God's goodness, His sovereignty, His comfort, and His promises. I prayed and cried out to the Lord knowing that He was big enough to handle all of my feelings and He met me at every point. I cannot count the ways that God showed me He was listening to me. Things I had never spoken aloud and most of them I had not even spoken to Him in prayer would come up in different ways, through social media, through articles, in every day life, things I would see, read, and hear. Jeremiah 29:11-14 says: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” I continue to be reminded of how personal God is, He shows up when we seek Him and just how much He loves us. My next blog post will discuss some more of the “Godincidences” and insights from "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way" by Lisa Terkurst. I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in Him. Psalm 40: 1-3
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AuthorLauren is the founder of Jacob's Joy. It is her prayer that this organization will bring glory to God and comfort to hurting families. Archives |