"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him”. The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him."
Lamentations 3:22-25 A coincident is defined as “a remarkable concurrence of events or circumstances without apparent causal connection”. Being a Christian, I believe that God orchestrates things just so, knowing exactly what we need. I do not believe that coincidences happen by chance but rather by God's divine plan. The more deeply I seek God, the more I see his plan for my life. The more I look for Him in my every day life, the more clearly I can see the things only He could bring together for my good and the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28). 5 years before our loss, my husband and I experienced 15 months of infertility. In addition to this, I was experiencing several medical problems unrelated to the infertility and while I understand that for some, 15 months is nothing, it was a very difficult time for our family. But God taught me in those days specifically, a lot about trusting and relying on Him through the wilderness, when you don't have answers for what is going on and when you don't understand God's plan. I had no idea that some of the posts I had made on Facebook during that time would have such a huge impact on my grief 5 years later as they came up in my Facebook Memories. I truly believe that God is a God who will meet us where we are and will speak to us in ways that we will notice. For me, there was a lot of scrolling through Facebook and listening to worship music. I'm going to share a few of these (okay, maybe a lot) because I saw God so much through these. Most of them were found from random pages I follow or things friends had posted that I shared and were not related to any grief or loss groups. Some of them were even things that came up on my Facebook memories from years prior! Jesus tell us “...and behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age” Matthew 28:20 Please understand that I would NEVER write about these things to brag about myself. If I brag about anything, it is the unfailing love God has for us. For all of us. I hope that you find this post encouraging. March 27th, 2019 Just two days prior to losing our sweet Jacob, I shared a Facebook post from Lysa TerKeurst which says “You are never so broken that God cannot take your story and use it for good”. I had no idea that it was me who would need this reminder in the coming months or what God would do with my brokenness. March 30th, 2019 The day after losing Jacob KLove Verse of the Day: “Be brave and courageous, yes, wait patiently for the Lord” Psalm 27:14. God's beautiful reminder that I needn't be afraid but to wait for Him and He would be there. April 2nd, 2019 Throughout the week following Jacob's delivery, I felt so many emotions but the most prominent were sadness, guilt, and confusion. I couldn't process if my depression, disappointed, and grief over losing Jacob was wrong (or even sinful) because it meant that I wasn't trusting God, knowing that His plan is perfect. I struggled so much with this but never vocalized it to anyone until much much later. One evening, I came across an article entitled: “Why “Count It All Joy” Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Grieve”. This article changed so much for me in my grieving process. I did occasionally still struggle with feeling guilty but nothing compared to the days immediately following our loss. I shared this on Facebook along with the article that evening: “The past 5 days have been a roller coaster of emotions...We're living moment by moment with God by our sides. Grief doesn't come with a manual and it definitely isn't a checklist of steps you go through. I'm thankful for the reminder that God allows us to grieve and because we are heartbroken does not mean we have little faith, trusting God does not mean that we can't grieve the child we lost”. April 5th, 2019 This was my post from that evening “One week ago, our world was turned upside down, this week has been a nightmare that I can't wake up from. We brought Jacob home yesterday which brought back so many emotions I thought I had been working through... life is never going to be the same but hiding the pain won't make it go away." That same evening, I came across this grief tip from LoveLivesOn.com: "Don't try to hide from your feelings and keep them inside. It won't work. Let yourself feel your pain & acknowledge your loss. This is how we heal.” God knew that I needed a reminder that evening. The days were busy and “easier” to hide from my grief but the nights were quiet and often it was the night when God reminded me the most that it was okay to grieve. April 7th, 2019 I shared a quote that day from Time Warp Wife “Until God opens the next door, praise him in the hallway”. We had no idea where this new journey would take us and honestly I wondered from the beginning how God was going to use Jacob's life. I saw this as a reminder to continue to look to him now and live in this moment rather than looking for the next door and worrying about what the future held. April 10th, 2019 I shared a quote from Christian Conservatives “When you're hanging on by a thread, make sure it's the hem of His garment”. What a beautiful reminder for those moments when it feels like you just can't hold on any longer. April 11th, 2019 I shared a quote from Her View From Home: “If God is truly good, He is still good when life is not. He is still good when relationships are not. He is still good when finances are not. He is still good when health is not. He is the one who stays by our side as we walk through the darkest of valleys. The one who gently lifts us up when life has knocked us down once more. The one who has promised to stay, even if no one else does. Though we may never understand why He does not change our circumstances, that does NOT change HIM. He is still the faithful one, loving compassionate, and trustworthy. He is STILL GOOD”. The first words out of my mouth after losing Jacob were “God is still good” I knew that I had to cling to that promise April 16, 2019 I shared a Facebook Memory from 5 years ago, another quote from Lysa TerKeurst: “Instead of asking, “why me?” ask God to help you see how good can come even from this.” Once again, God reminding me that He has a plan and to trust Him. May 2nd, 2019 A quote from the Christian Identity, Matt McMillin Ministries “God never promised a life with no storms. He promised to be there when you face them”. I knew that God was close to me and his sweet reminders were everywhere when I chose to look for them. Later that day, I watched Nora McInerny's Ted Talk- she discussed how grief isn't something you “move on” from but something you “move forward” with. I really needed to hear that message. I needed to let go of the fact that I would always miss Jacob and I would never “get over” losing him I would just have to learn how to move forward with his memory in my heart knowing one day I would hold him in Heaven. May 7, 2019 I shared a quote from Modern Day Ruth “Never let the presence of a storm cause you to doubt the presence of God.” here were times when I felt distant from God. I noticed those times were when I wasn't intentionally pursing my relationship with Him. It was during those times that I sometimes doubted God's purpose for me through this journey. However, God never left me, and He was gently reminding me to turn away from my doubts because He was waiting for me, all I had to do was to reach out to Him. May 9th, 2019 I shared a quote from Ruby Wives “When the bible says “do not lean on your own understanding” the Bible is being serious. Your heart is deceitful, your emotions fluctuate, your understanding does not see the overall, big picture. God never lies, God never changes, God knows all. Trust Him." A Facebook memory from the same day 5 years prior: "10 encouraging scriptures to remind us of God's faithfulness" I truly felt His presence in those posts, in a time when I felt confused and distant from God, he was reminding me that I cannot rely on my emotions but I needed to fully rely on Him. May 18th, 2019 I shared a quote from Modern Day Ruth “God says... I know you have a lot on your mind right now. It feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. You feel alone. Lay all your concerns before me in prayer. I will provide, I will make a way for you. Don't worry, I have your back.” We knew at this point that we wanted to try to conceive another child but we didn't know what our future held. I needed the reminder that God was in control of it all and that I didn't need to feel like I had to take control of it. May 19th, 2019 A Lysa TerKeurst quote was shared in a local group I follow called GenoaStrong: “God's plans are good even if they don't align with mine”. So often we know that we know something but we need to be reminded of it, we need to tell ourselves it over and over again because our emotions can be so deceiving. May 30th, 2019 Another memory came up from 5 years prior, it was a quote from To Save a Life “Worship gets you through the hardest times in your life because it shifts your focus from the problem to the problem solver”. At this point I had a playlist I created on YouTube and was listening to it quite often. In the weeks immediately following our loss, worship music was one thing that helped me to keep my focus on God and to stay out of a very deep depression. Every time I noticed that I was going backwards so to speak, I noticed that I had drifted away from God and He gently reminded me to come back to Him. June 7th, 2019, A quote from Recovering Grace: “He cried. He knew Lazarus was dead before He got the news. But still, He cried. He knew Lazarus would be alive again in moments. But still, He cried. He knew this world is not home. He knew death here is not forever. He knew eternity and the kingdom better than anyone else could. And he wept. Because this world is full of pain and regret and loss and depression and devastation. He wept because knowing the end of the story doesn't mean you can't cry at the sad parts. " This was another time that God was reminding me that it was still okay to mourn Jacob, He did understand my pain. Also a side note here, as I am typing this, I was reading through the book of John today and read the verses about Jesus hearing of Lazarus' death and bringing him back to life! God is so amazing! June 17th, 2019, Another Lysa TurKeurst quote came up “Nothing God allows you to go through is pointless. Even in the midst of hurt, He will work things for your good and His glory.” God reminded me in the immediate moments after delivering Jacob and several times in the following months that He had a plan for our loss and that it would bring Him glory. These gentle reminders were so helpful in keeping me going, they reminded me that this was bigger than just me, that God had a purpose for Jacob's life, for my life, and for the pain we were experiencing. July 20th, 2019 I read a quote from Christian Missions Inc, “Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought life would be like and learn to find joy in the story you're living.” God was reminding me that I could find joy even while missing Jacob and even while struggling (and failing) to conceive another child. Joy was a common theme for me, finding Joy through the sadness, allowing myself to continue to feel joy despite our loss, despite not having Jacob with us. Allowing myself to feel joy and sadness at the same time was a process but it was and still is possible. July 30th, 2019 I shared this “I've always believed that God uses us to help others and that will always be my hope, that God uses me and what I've been through to help someone else”. I also shared a quote I found from Enlightened Consciousness “One day you will tell your story of how you've overcome what you're going through now, and it will become part of someone else's survival guide” At the time I shared this, I had no idea what God's plan was or how He would use our story to help others but I knew that He was speaking and I was listening. August 30th, 2019 A Facebook Memory I shared from 5 years previous it was a quote from I'm Proud to be a Christian “Faith in God includes Faith in his timing” During this time in 2019, we were still struggling to conceive again and I was struggling with God's timing. I needed this gentle reminder that I was to trust Him even when things were difficult. September 12, 2019, I shared a quote from Women of Faith “When you sing to God, when you praise Him, when you worship Him, God gives you peace you cannot understand.” Again, that theme of worshiping through the darkness, worship got me through some of the darkest nights I've ever imagined and is the reason I am where I am today. September 18th, 2019 I wrote this “A reminder that God is always near and sees my heart” and I shared a quote from Lysa Terkeurst “God is always true, trustworthy, and on time”. You see, Jacob's due date was the next day and I wanted nothing more than to be able to surprise my husband with a positive pregnancy test but I woke up to yet another negative test, and through my sadness, God reminded me that he was near and He still is in control. September 19th, 2019 Jacob's due date: My family and I met with pastoral staff at St. Charles Hospital in Oregon, Ohio to deliver care packages for families experiencing pregnancy and infant loss. I knew that this is what God wanted me to do and it was how I could bring glory to Him through our loss. Within days of us doing this, God was telling me “more, you're made for more, there is more to this” and I began to look into starting a non-profit business. October 2nd, 2019 This is the day we submitted our application to become a non-profit cooperation, with so much prayer from ourselves as well as several family members and friends, I took a huge leap of faith trusting God throughout the processing and following His lead. The story doesn't end there, October 2, 2019 was the beginning of a new chapter. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 ~Lauren~
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The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him”. The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.
Lamentations 3:22-25 A coincidence is defined as “a remarkable concurrence of events or circumstances without apparent causal connection.” Being a Christian, I believe that God orchestrates things just so, knowing exactly what we need. I do not believe that coincidences happen by chance but rather by God's divine plan. The more deeply I seek God, the more I see his plan for my life. The more I look for Him in my everyday life, the clearer I can see the things only He could bring together for my good and the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28). Not having any idea that something was wrong with our precious baby; March 29, 2019 began as a normal day for me. I was on my way to drop off some things to a friend prior to a work meeting. I developed what I thought was a stomachache on the drive, but God made sure that I did not stop anywhere along the way to her work to use the restroom. The first “God-incident” I saw that day was being with one of my best friends, Kathryn, when I delivered Jacob. She was there in the immediate moments and never left my side until I got into the ambulance to leave for the hospital. God-incidence #2 Originally, my husband was supposed to be leaving earlier that month to go to Arizona for work and would be gone for 30 days. However, someone else volunteered to go that month which pushed my husband’s departure back to the following month. As a result of this, he was home when we lost our Jacob and could meet me at the hospital. He also took a week off work so we could process our loss together. Being able to stay together in the days following brought us closer together and allowed me the support I needed especially in the quiet of night when I had more time to process my grief. God-incidence #3 & 4 When the EMTs arrived and began to evaluate me, I was told that they would have to take me to the nearest hospital. A hospital I had never been to before, my doctor did not go to, and I knew no one at. Needless to say, this only added to the anxiety and sadness I was already experiencing. I had delivered my 3 living children at St. Charles Hospital and because my mother worked there, I was very comfortable there. When the ambulance arrived, the first responding EMTs told them that I would like to go to a different hospital. They said they just happened to be working that side of Toledo and it was only a few miles away so they would take me to St. Charles. One of the EMTs came in the back and disclosed that he and his wife had suffered a miscarriage so he understood the pain and let me know that if I wanted to talk, he was there for me. I will never forget his kindness that day. God-incidence #5 When I arrived at the hospital, I attempted to contact my mom before realizing that she had told me the previous day she was supposed to be at another hospital all day for a meeting and training. I eventually called my sister, another phone call I dreaded. You see, my sister is my best friend and I knew how excited she was with us for this new baby. Worse, she was in Texas, a 20 hour nonstop drive away and I knew she couldn't leave her family as much as she would want to (and trust me, she offered, several times). After I got off the phone with her, she was able to contact my mom who then called me and “just happened” to not be working at the other hospital but was just one floor above me at St. Charles and she rushed down to the ER to be with Luke and I. God-incident #6 Later that evening, my sister shared with me K Love's Verse of the Day: Lamentations 3:32 “Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love”. Out of all the verses in the Bible, God chose to show us his unfailing love and comfort through this beautiful reminder. It would not be the last time. God incident #7 When our pastor joined us in the ER that afternoon, he shared with us a scripture verse, Psalm 23: “The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside still water, He refreshes my soul and guides me along the right paths for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” Our family sponsors a few children through an amazing organization called Compassion International. We received a letter on April 17th, 2019, that was written on March 30th, just the day after we lost Jacob. It was written by one of our sponsor children, Eunice, who is 13 years old and lives in Kenya. In her letter, Eunice shared with us a scripture... Psalm 23. I cried when I read that letter, it was yet another reminder from God that He is so near to us! God-incident #8 A few weeks after losing Jacob, someone from church sent me a message saying she was going to drop off dinner for our family. I honestly did not know her very well other than we occasionally chit-chatted before or after service, and our kids went to youth group together, and I did know they had experienced two previous miscarriages. There were a lot of things that Leah did that had a huge impact on my life. The first being, she called me her friend . It may sound simple but she didn't know me well and she called me her friend, we shared a trauma that neither of us had ever wanted to experience but it had brought us together, she showed me so much love and compassion. She not only brought us dinner, but she stayed to talk with me about how I was coping and allowed me to talk and she just listened. She also dropped off a “basket of sunshine” which included a book called “It's Not Supposed to be This Way” by Lysa TerKeurst. Remember this name, it comes up a lot in the following months. I later found out that Leah had never actually read the book but saw it on the shelf and read the back cover and thought it would be a good book to include. This book has also made such a HUGE impact on my life. I knew immediately when we lost Jacob that God had a specific reason for this, I just did not know what it would be. This book helped me so much by continuing to remind me that God has a reason for everything that happens. There were so many times that God would use this book to communicate with me. I would be struggling with something or thinking something very specific and it would be in the next pages or chapter I read. There is no way this was a coincidence; it just is not possible. Many times, in the months following our loss, I would read scripture verses or quotes about grief which specifically had to do with water. It happened often when I felt that I had drifted away from or taken my focus off God. One day, I was reading the book of Matthew and this particular section stuck out to me: “Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat by this time was a long way from the land, beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them. And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.” And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” Matthew 14:22-33 As I was reading, God reminded me that it was when Peter took his eyes off of Jesus that he began to sink, not when he stepped out onto the water but when he allowed the storm raging around him to push doubt into his mind rather than focusing on the one who could calm the storm. So many times, I found myself sinking into depression or guilt or shame, but it was when I took my eyes off Jesus, not when I focused on Him that this happened. When I set my eyes upon Jesus, those were the times I felt the most comforted, the most focused, and the most reassured that God had every aspect of this under control. In early September 2019, I began designing t-shirts for our family to wear to a remembrance walk in October and chose to put this verse on the back of the shirt. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord, Jesus Christ, the Father of all mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4. Shortly after finishing the design for the shirt, I began reading a new chapter in the book which was about using our “disappointments” to help others and this very same verse was scattered throughout the entire chapter. When I decided to open Jacob's Joy as a non-profit business, I chose to use the same verse because I loved the message it captures, exactly what I wanted our business to stand for, a God who provides comfort to His people and leads the example for us to provide comfort to others who are in pain. September 19, 2019, Jacob's due date. I had decided a few weeks prior to this day that I wanted to deliver care packages to St. Charles for families who were experiencing pregnancy loss. I had asked a friend, Alicia, to make me some stamped bracelets for the care packages and I went to pick them up that afternoon before we delivered the bags (you can find her Facebook page at: “Proverbs 12:25 “a good word maketh the heart glad”). Alicia told me that when she was looking at Jacob's birth information, (he was born at 9:19 on 3-29-19 with a due date of 9-19-19) she said to her husband “God sees her”. When I got home, my sister sends me this text message “This was in my bible study today and I thought of you when I read it”. The scripture verses she sent me were Psalm 139 1-17: “O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. Where shall I go from you Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!” Only a few minutes later, I opened the card I had received from Alicia. Beautifully handwritten on the bottom of the card was Psalm 139: 13-16. Alicia's divine words “God sees her” rang over in my mind and I just wept, knowing that the God of the Universe cares so much for me that He orchestrated it so my sister was reading that particular part of her bible study on that day and He put it on her heart to send it to me. He showed Alicia that He see's me and put it on her heart to write it the same verse in her card to me. When I sent Ashley a picture of Alicia's card this was her reply “He (God) was telling me to send it to you. He sees you and adores you And He hurts with you because He loves you”. You see, God did see me, and He still does, and He sees you too. He is never far from us; sometimes we just have to look for Him in the little things, the things that seem like coincidences but are really “God-incidences”, God's holy presence in our everyday lives. I love you friends and I pray that you feel God's hope and presence today ~Lauren My name is Lauren, I am currently 30 years old. My husband Luke and I have 3 beautiful children (2 boys and 1 girl) here on Earth and one beautiful little boy, Jacob, in Heaven. When we had our daughter, we felt like our family was complete. We were so blessed to have 3 healthy children and were content with the size of our family. Over the next several months following the birth of our daughter, I kept feeling like God was telling me that we were meant to have more children. I cannot explain it other than to say that I felt this urge that we were not done. I spoke to my husband and asked him to pray about it. As the weeks went on, he agreed that we could start trying. When I got pregnant very quickly we were both elated. Immediately following our first ultrasound we announced to our friends and family that we were expecting our 4th child. I was told we had a sub chorionic bleed which they were not concerned about because they usually end up going away on their own. Apart from that and hyperemesis gravidarum which I have had with all of my pregnancies, everything was going wonderfully.
I had an appointment at 13 weeks at which they couldn't find the heartbeat on the doppler so they did a quick ultrasound which showed the bleed was still present but baby was moving and a great heartbeat. The following week I began to have brown spotting. I didn't think much of it as I spotted occasionally with all of my previous pregnancies as well. Further into the week the brown changed to pink but was still so light. Just to be safe I called my doctors office, they believed it could be from the bleed but I had an appointment the following week so they would check on baby then. Fast forward to Friday, I was on my way to meet a friend at her work and began having some cramping which I attributed to gas. I used the restroom hoping to relieve some of those cramps and it was there at her work in a bathroom stall that I delivered my beautiful 15 week baby into my hands. Looking back, there are so many things I am thankful for, so many things that God orchestrated perfectly to remind me that He was with me and to bring me comfort. First of all, I was able to hold my baby. I know that so many women do not have this privileged. Even in the minutes immediately following, I was able to declare that God is still good, He gave me the strength to recognize His goodness even in the midst of raw grief and trauma. Second, my best friend was with me immediately and was able to call my husband to tell him to meet me at the hospital and thankfully he was home (he was scheduled to be out of town only a few weeks later). When the EMTs arrived, I was told they were supposed to take me to the nearest hospital. I had never been to this hospital, it wasn't even one that my OB goes to. Needless to say, this only added to the anxiety however, when the ambulance arrived, the EMTs told them I would like to go to my own hospital (which my mother works at and I have delivered all of my children there). They responded that they were working that side of town and would take me where I wanted to go. On the ride one of the EMTs came back to check on my and disclosed that he and his wife had lost a child to miscarriage as well. He told me if I needed anything or wanted to talk he was there for me, I will never forget his kindness. I called my mom who was working however, I knew she was supposed to be at another hospital that day so I wasn't sure if she would be able to come. When I did get in contact with her, she was actually at that hospital and was able to come down to the ER immediately. When our pastor arrived at the hospital to be with us for a while, I was able to tell Him that I knew God had a reason for this I just wasn't sure what it was yet. He also shared with us a scripture from Psalms 23 which we found some comfort in. Later that evening, I was able to leave the hospital and with my husband to grieve in our own home (my mother took our other children for the weekend so we could grieve together before telling them). I also did not need any surgery as I was able to pass everything while I was at the hospital. When we arrived home, I noticed at the top of the stairs was the box we had recently received from Amazon as a gift for starting our registry. Within in it was a muslin blanket with Zebras on it. This blanket has provided me with so much comfort. While I did not have a baby to hold, I was able to cling to this and did so for months following our loss. On Saturday night, I knew we needed to publicly announce our loss as so many of our church family knew we were expecting and I did not think I could go through people asking about how I was feeling. The outpouring of love we received was amazing. Fast forward to Church Sunday morning, prior to the last song at the beginning of service, our worship leader spoke about leaning on God and His strength when we are going through difficulties or grief. One thing that I love most about our church is the love they show for people. Our church always has a song in which they invite people to the alter to pray, and you are never alone when you go up there. As Luke and I approached the alter, it felt like the entire church was beside us praying. I had no words to speak and yet they were there covering us in prayer. Several of our church family disclosed their losses and let me know that they knew the grief I was feeling and offered to help in any way they could, throughout the following weeks we had dinners delivered and friends come over to just talk when we needed to. I knew immediately after our loss that I had the choice to run away from God or to run to Him and cling to Him with all of my being. But I did struggle with some of my feelings; I worried so much that I would disappoint or upset God with my grief. I didn't want to ask God why because I felt that I didn't really have a right to know, who am I to question the God of the universe? I knew that I did not want to be angry with God but I was devastated that we had lost our son. I knew that God had given Jacob to us but He was also God's to take away and I had no choice but to accept God's plan knowing that while I did not understand it, there was a perfect reason for it which I may never know this side of Heaven. While I was struggling and wrestling with all of these feelings, I stumbled across an article an article on www.reviveourhearts.com entitled Why “Count It All Joy” Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Grieve. This is another one of those moments that I knew God was listening to my heart and that He speaking to me. He was reminding me that it was okay to grief the loss of our son, the moments we would never get with him here on Earth, all of the memories we was dreaming of making with him. Lysa Terkurst say in her book “It's Not Supposed to be This Way” “To deny my feelings any voice is to rob me of being human. But to let my feelings be the only voice will rob my soul of healing perspectives with which God wants to comfort me and carry me forward”. I have never felt so close to God than I did during the months following losing Jacob. While I continued to grieve deeply, I also learned to worship God through the grief. I knew that God was still good and I knew that leaning on Him was the only way I would survive this. Another Lysa Terkerst quote that really helped me is “God will be my possible in the midst of what can sometimes feel so impossible. He can handle all the things I know I can't, and I trust Him to take my broken and make it beautiful”. Music has always been a very important part of my life and this was the way I spent most of my nights, listening and singing along to worship music that spoke of God's goodness, His sovereignty, His comfort, and His promises. I prayed and cried out to the Lord knowing that He was big enough to handle all of my feelings and He met me at every point. I cannot count the ways that God showed me He was listening to me. Things I had never spoken aloud and most of them I had not even spoken to Him in prayer would come up in different ways, through social media, through articles, in every day life, things I would see, read, and hear. Jeremiah 29:11-14 says: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” I continue to be reminded of how personal God is, He shows up when we seek Him and just how much He loves us. My next blog post will discuss some more of the “Godincidences” and insights from "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way" by Lisa Terkurst. I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in Him. Psalm 40: 1-3 |
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AuthorLauren is the founder of Jacob's Joy. It is her prayer that this organization will bring glory to God and comfort to hurting families. Archives |