"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him”. The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him."
Lamentations 3:22-25 A coincident is defined as “a remarkable concurrence of events or circumstances without apparent causal connection”. Being a Christian, I believe that God orchestrates things just so, knowing exactly what we need. I do not believe that coincidences happen by chance but rather by God's divine plan. The more deeply I seek God, the more I see his plan for my life. The more I look for Him in my every day life, the more clearly I can see the things only He could bring together for my good and the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28). 5 years before our loss, my husband and I experienced 15 months of infertility. In addition to this, I was experiencing several medical problems unrelated to the infertility and while I understand that for some, 15 months is nothing, it was a very difficult time for our family. But God taught me in those days specifically, a lot about trusting and relying on Him through the wilderness, when you don't have answers for what is going on and when you don't understand God's plan. I had no idea that some of the posts I had made on Facebook during that time would have such a huge impact on my grief 5 years later as they came up in my Facebook Memories. I truly believe that God is a God who will meet us where we are and will speak to us in ways that we will notice. For me, there was a lot of scrolling through Facebook and listening to worship music. I'm going to share a few of these (okay, maybe a lot) because I saw God so much through these. Most of them were found from random pages I follow or things friends had posted that I shared and were not related to any grief or loss groups. Some of them were even things that came up on my Facebook memories from years prior! Jesus tell us “...and behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age” Matthew 28:20 Please understand that I would NEVER write about these things to brag about myself. If I brag about anything, it is the unfailing love God has for us. For all of us. I hope that you find this post encouraging. March 27th, 2019 Just two days prior to losing our sweet Jacob, I shared a Facebook post from Lysa TerKeurst which says “You are never so broken that God cannot take your story and use it for good”. I had no idea that it was me who would need this reminder in the coming months or what God would do with my brokenness. March 30th, 2019 The day after losing Jacob KLove Verse of the Day: “Be brave and courageous, yes, wait patiently for the Lord” Psalm 27:14. God's beautiful reminder that I needn't be afraid but to wait for Him and He would be there. April 2nd, 2019 Throughout the week following Jacob's delivery, I felt so many emotions but the most prominent were sadness, guilt, and confusion. I couldn't process if my depression, disappointed, and grief over losing Jacob was wrong (or even sinful) because it meant that I wasn't trusting God, knowing that His plan is perfect. I struggled so much with this but never vocalized it to anyone until much much later. One evening, I came across an article entitled: “Why “Count It All Joy” Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Grieve”. This article changed so much for me in my grieving process. I did occasionally still struggle with feeling guilty but nothing compared to the days immediately following our loss. I shared this on Facebook along with the article that evening: “The past 5 days have been a roller coaster of emotions...We're living moment by moment with God by our sides. Grief doesn't come with a manual and it definitely isn't a checklist of steps you go through. I'm thankful for the reminder that God allows us to grieve and because we are heartbroken does not mean we have little faith, trusting God does not mean that we can't grieve the child we lost”. April 5th, 2019 This was my post from that evening “One week ago, our world was turned upside down, this week has been a nightmare that I can't wake up from. We brought Jacob home yesterday which brought back so many emotions I thought I had been working through... life is never going to be the same but hiding the pain won't make it go away." That same evening, I came across this grief tip from LoveLivesOn.com: "Don't try to hide from your feelings and keep them inside. It won't work. Let yourself feel your pain & acknowledge your loss. This is how we heal.” God knew that I needed a reminder that evening. The days were busy and “easier” to hide from my grief but the nights were quiet and often it was the night when God reminded me the most that it was okay to grieve. April 7th, 2019 I shared a quote that day from Time Warp Wife “Until God opens the next door, praise him in the hallway”. We had no idea where this new journey would take us and honestly I wondered from the beginning how God was going to use Jacob's life. I saw this as a reminder to continue to look to him now and live in this moment rather than looking for the next door and worrying about what the future held. April 10th, 2019 I shared a quote from Christian Conservatives “When you're hanging on by a thread, make sure it's the hem of His garment”. What a beautiful reminder for those moments when it feels like you just can't hold on any longer. April 11th, 2019 I shared a quote from Her View From Home: “If God is truly good, He is still good when life is not. He is still good when relationships are not. He is still good when finances are not. He is still good when health is not. He is the one who stays by our side as we walk through the darkest of valleys. The one who gently lifts us up when life has knocked us down once more. The one who has promised to stay, even if no one else does. Though we may never understand why He does not change our circumstances, that does NOT change HIM. He is still the faithful one, loving compassionate, and trustworthy. He is STILL GOOD”. The first words out of my mouth after losing Jacob were “God is still good” I knew that I had to cling to that promise April 16, 2019 I shared a Facebook Memory from 5 years ago, another quote from Lysa TerKeurst: “Instead of asking, “why me?” ask God to help you see how good can come even from this.” Once again, God reminding me that He has a plan and to trust Him. May 2nd, 2019 A quote from the Christian Identity, Matt McMillin Ministries “God never promised a life with no storms. He promised to be there when you face them”. I knew that God was close to me and his sweet reminders were everywhere when I chose to look for them. Later that day, I watched Nora McInerny's Ted Talk- she discussed how grief isn't something you “move on” from but something you “move forward” with. I really needed to hear that message. I needed to let go of the fact that I would always miss Jacob and I would never “get over” losing him I would just have to learn how to move forward with his memory in my heart knowing one day I would hold him in Heaven. May 7, 2019 I shared a quote from Modern Day Ruth “Never let the presence of a storm cause you to doubt the presence of God.” here were times when I felt distant from God. I noticed those times were when I wasn't intentionally pursing my relationship with Him. It was during those times that I sometimes doubted God's purpose for me through this journey. However, God never left me, and He was gently reminding me to turn away from my doubts because He was waiting for me, all I had to do was to reach out to Him. May 9th, 2019 I shared a quote from Ruby Wives “When the bible says “do not lean on your own understanding” the Bible is being serious. Your heart is deceitful, your emotions fluctuate, your understanding does not see the overall, big picture. God never lies, God never changes, God knows all. Trust Him." A Facebook memory from the same day 5 years prior: "10 encouraging scriptures to remind us of God's faithfulness" I truly felt His presence in those posts, in a time when I felt confused and distant from God, he was reminding me that I cannot rely on my emotions but I needed to fully rely on Him. May 18th, 2019 I shared a quote from Modern Day Ruth “God says... I know you have a lot on your mind right now. It feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. You feel alone. Lay all your concerns before me in prayer. I will provide, I will make a way for you. Don't worry, I have your back.” We knew at this point that we wanted to try to conceive another child but we didn't know what our future held. I needed the reminder that God was in control of it all and that I didn't need to feel like I had to take control of it. May 19th, 2019 A Lysa TerKeurst quote was shared in a local group I follow called GenoaStrong: “God's plans are good even if they don't align with mine”. So often we know that we know something but we need to be reminded of it, we need to tell ourselves it over and over again because our emotions can be so deceiving. May 30th, 2019 Another memory came up from 5 years prior, it was a quote from To Save a Life “Worship gets you through the hardest times in your life because it shifts your focus from the problem to the problem solver”. At this point I had a playlist I created on YouTube and was listening to it quite often. In the weeks immediately following our loss, worship music was one thing that helped me to keep my focus on God and to stay out of a very deep depression. Every time I noticed that I was going backwards so to speak, I noticed that I had drifted away from God and He gently reminded me to come back to Him. June 7th, 2019, A quote from Recovering Grace: “He cried. He knew Lazarus was dead before He got the news. But still, He cried. He knew Lazarus would be alive again in moments. But still, He cried. He knew this world is not home. He knew death here is not forever. He knew eternity and the kingdom better than anyone else could. And he wept. Because this world is full of pain and regret and loss and depression and devastation. He wept because knowing the end of the story doesn't mean you can't cry at the sad parts. " This was another time that God was reminding me that it was still okay to mourn Jacob, He did understand my pain. Also a side note here, as I am typing this, I was reading through the book of John today and read the verses about Jesus hearing of Lazarus' death and bringing him back to life! God is so amazing! June 17th, 2019, Another Lysa TurKeurst quote came up “Nothing God allows you to go through is pointless. Even in the midst of hurt, He will work things for your good and His glory.” God reminded me in the immediate moments after delivering Jacob and several times in the following months that He had a plan for our loss and that it would bring Him glory. These gentle reminders were so helpful in keeping me going, they reminded me that this was bigger than just me, that God had a purpose for Jacob's life, for my life, and for the pain we were experiencing. July 20th, 2019 I read a quote from Christian Missions Inc, “Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought life would be like and learn to find joy in the story you're living.” God was reminding me that I could find joy even while missing Jacob and even while struggling (and failing) to conceive another child. Joy was a common theme for me, finding Joy through the sadness, allowing myself to continue to feel joy despite our loss, despite not having Jacob with us. Allowing myself to feel joy and sadness at the same time was a process but it was and still is possible. July 30th, 2019 I shared this “I've always believed that God uses us to help others and that will always be my hope, that God uses me and what I've been through to help someone else”. I also shared a quote I found from Enlightened Consciousness “One day you will tell your story of how you've overcome what you're going through now, and it will become part of someone else's survival guide” At the time I shared this, I had no idea what God's plan was or how He would use our story to help others but I knew that He was speaking and I was listening. August 30th, 2019 A Facebook Memory I shared from 5 years previous it was a quote from I'm Proud to be a Christian “Faith in God includes Faith in his timing” During this time in 2019, we were still struggling to conceive again and I was struggling with God's timing. I needed this gentle reminder that I was to trust Him even when things were difficult. September 12, 2019, I shared a quote from Women of Faith “When you sing to God, when you praise Him, when you worship Him, God gives you peace you cannot understand.” Again, that theme of worshiping through the darkness, worship got me through some of the darkest nights I've ever imagined and is the reason I am where I am today. September 18th, 2019 I wrote this “A reminder that God is always near and sees my heart” and I shared a quote from Lysa Terkeurst “God is always true, trustworthy, and on time”. You see, Jacob's due date was the next day and I wanted nothing more than to be able to surprise my husband with a positive pregnancy test but I woke up to yet another negative test, and through my sadness, God reminded me that he was near and He still is in control. September 19th, 2019 Jacob's due date: My family and I met with pastoral staff at St. Charles Hospital in Oregon, Ohio to deliver care packages for families experiencing pregnancy and infant loss. I knew that this is what God wanted me to do and it was how I could bring glory to Him through our loss. Within days of us doing this, God was telling me “more, you're made for more, there is more to this” and I began to look into starting a non-profit business. October 2nd, 2019 This is the day we submitted our application to become a non-profit cooperation, with so much prayer from ourselves as well as several family members and friends, I took a huge leap of faith trusting God throughout the processing and following His lead. The story doesn't end there, October 2, 2019 was the beginning of a new chapter. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 ~Lauren~
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AuthorLauren is the founder of Jacob's Joy. It is her prayer that this organization will bring glory to God and comfort to hurting families. Archives |